Love And Desire
Do you know the difference between love and desire? Chances are, you probably think of the two as at least vaguely synonymous. But once you take a deep dive into what each really means to you, you may find there are some huge differences.
Love and Desire
Here's the thing: While love is a biological need, desire is more centered on a motivation and drive. Desire is a fundamental human experience that we want to be present in our lives, and when we lose it, we lose an important connection with ourselves. Living without desire is like living without hope or inspiration.
In order to separate the two and build a deeper connection with your partner, it's important to create a map so you understand your different feelings on love and desire. Take out a piece of paper, and draw two columns. In the first one, write the world "desire," and in the second, write the word "love."
Now, in the first column, fill in the blanks for the following: "when I think of sex, I think of..." "when I desire, I feel..." and "when I think about sex with my partner, I feel..." In the next column, do the same exercise, but with the word "love" instead of "desire."
Are the results different? In my experience, they are: Most people typically associate the word "desire" with words like "hot," "power," "hungry," and "excited," and "love" with words like "comfort" and "grounding."
This sculpture may have been part of a larger group of statuary (collection of statues/sculptures). The beautiful youth Hyacinth was struck and killed by a discus thrown by his lover, the god Apollo. The discus was blown off course by the jealous Zephyr.
This object dates from about 11,000 years ago. It's the oldest known sculpture of two lovers. The genders of the figures are unclear and open to interpretation. All that remains is the reflection of their love.
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In her talk, she argues that our desire for love and our desire for adventure are in deep conflict. On the one hand, we want to feel safe, secure, nurtured, and respected by the other, and the thought of being rejected is profoundly terrifying. On the other hand, our desire to be loved is killing for passion and lust. Because lust needs play. Passion thrives on transgression, which can be translated literally as the act of crossing a line. Lust thrives on fantasy and on being able to act out on that fantasy.
Esther Perel talks about the simple behavioural design rules that fuel desire: Allow the creation of some distance. Find ways to maintain a bit of mystery around each other. Keep surprising each other. Find ways to be able to look up to each other. Try to be a fanboy and fangirl as long as you live. And try to maintain a level of independence. Nothing is more killing for desire than neediness. To quote Perel:
The design of a fulfilling long term relationship is as much a wicked design problem as the challenge to get people to recycle, eat healthily, get fitter, take climate action, etc. Just like with every wicked design problem, the real challenge is to design specific behaviours that eventually turn into habits. Habits change attitudes and attitudes transform identities. Love and desire are nothing more than the compound interest a series of tiny practices.
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Desire feeds physical intimacy which in turn feeds connection, nurturance and the protective guard around relationships. Intimate relationships in which desire has faded can take on the shape of housemates or colleagues. There can still be love and a deep emotional bond in these relationships, there might even still be sex, but without desire the way we see ourselves and feel about ourselves changes and will ultimately play out in the relationship. Understanding the nature of desire is key to getting it back.
The fading of desire happens slowly. It comes with the vacuuming, the cleaning, stress, work, busy-ness, familiarity, predictability and just trying to make it through the day. Above all else, it comes with the assumption of responsibility for the needs of our partner over our own. As explained by Esther Perel, a leader in the area of desire in relationships, desire fades when we disconnect from ourselves and become selfless, which is the enemy of desire.
From the work of Esther Perel, we know that desire in long-term relationships involves two needs that push against each other. On the one hand, we need security, safety, familiarity and predictability. But we also need adventure, unpredictability, mystery and surprise.
There is a time and a place to fully engage with our self so we can be aware of and meet our sexual needs and feel the feelings that come with desire. There is a time to put our responsible, selfless part aside and experience our desiring self in the fullest.
Neediness and desire cannot exist together. Nothing will kill desire quicker than neediness. Nobody will be turned on by somebody who is needy for them or who has an expectation of them as their caretaker.
Desire, sex and physical intimacy are worth the fight and should never be looked on as a bonus extra. They are the heartbeat of relationships and the lifeblood of connection and intimacy. We deserve to experience desire in the fullest. We deserve it for ourselves and for our relationships.
Nothing could be more reasonable or natural than that people who are isolated and lonely should seek sociability and love wherever they think they can find it. It is only when the para-social relationship becomes a substitute for autonomous social participation, when it proceeds in absolute defiance of objective reality, that it can be regarded as pathological (Horton and Wohl, 1956, p. 223, emphasis added).
Netflix has released a new Italian series, Devotion, A Story of Love and Desire (Fideltà), starring Michele Riondino (from Young Montalbano) and Lucrezia Guidone, that explores marriage and suspicions of infidelity. It is another Netflix series about jealousy and extramarital desire. The following review may contain some spoilers.
Stories of infidelity in a couple usually arises from an unhappy relationship. It is not so with Carlo and Margharita. As the six-part series begins, the couple appear to be in a blissful and loving relationship. They still desire each other sexually, as the raunchy opening sequence of the first episode attests, and they are even considering buying an apartment together they cannot afford. To their group of friends, they appear to be the perfect couple. As Margharita tells one of her friends, they have such a close relationship that she is the only one Carlo allows to read the first draft of his novels. The series suggests the confidence Carlo and Margharita have in the strength of their relationship. After five years together, they are still very much in love.
I am a music journalist based in New York City. My byline has appeared in The Huffington Post, Billboard, Mashable, Noisey, The Hollywood Reporter, MTV, Fuse, and dozens of other magazines and blogs around the world. I love following charts and the biggest and most successful names in the industry, and I'm always interested in highlighting incredible feats and discovering what's next.
Marriage counseling, couple therapy, and relationship coaching usually come in at this point. The couple is not getting along, their intimacy is in the toilet, and all their attempts at remedying this is making the situation worse... Once the couple addresses getting along and feeling loved they are content in their relationship, they feel happy and are satisfied.
Introduction: One of the most difficult dilemmas in relationship science and couple therapy concerns the interaction between sexual desire and love. As two mental states of intense longing for union with others, sexual desire and love are, in fact, often difficult to disentangle from one another. 041b061a72